Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
