You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
