I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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