and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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