i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
