just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
