Soap is not a condiment
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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