I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
