she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
love makes seman taste better
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
