If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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