I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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