The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
