I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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