Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
