He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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