dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
