Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
