There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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