Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Randomize
