I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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