im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
