dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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