Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize