I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize