my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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