I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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