we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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