please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
