So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
