We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
