Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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