Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
