Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I think my moral compass just broke
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
