Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
