tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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