no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
