I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
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