Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
