I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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