Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
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