Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
