I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
