I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
