I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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