Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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