Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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