Well douche your snatch and let's go!
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
