Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
