So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
