everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Watching her eat just hurts me
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Randomize
