please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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