these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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