Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
