I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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