Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
