Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
