You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
