sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
