I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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