While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
